Saturday, November 21, 2009

Turnips

A recent poll on my favorite forum had brought up a hitherto unresolved conflict that has been waged since the dawn of man kind. Turnips or celery? Which of these diabolical vegetables will descend from night-shrouded sky to dominate the human race for all eternity, forcing us to construct their cyclopean ziggurats and unholy temples?

Clearly turnips for a number of compelling reasons:
1) You can kill someone with a turnip or hurt someone bad. What the hell is a celery going to do? Maybe if you force someone to deepthroat it they might choke...
2) The deepseated hatred that turnips feel towards the European descendants (most of medieval peasant diet depended on turnips in lieu of potatoes) will fuel their bloodthirsty rage as they rampage through our cities, violating our sheep, enslaving our women, driving our cars. Don't forget that rage = +4 bonus to Strength, a +4 bonus to Constitution, and a +2 morale bonus on Will Saves but a -2 penalty to Armor Class, except in Turnip case they cannot be fatigued at the end of the rage. Can celery rage? I think not!
3) Judging by the various ways in which celery can be put to use in our diet, it is a weak and submissive vegetable that is only too willing to oblige its human overlords' desires for a fat-free watery largely taste-free ambiguous vegetable to go along with chicken wings, cheeze whiz and peanut butter, whereas turnips are resistant to being imbibed in any form! Clearly the hardy and barbaric turnips will triumph not only over weak and indolent celery, but also the human race - weakened as it is by a non-turnip diet.

All hail turnips - are future overlords!