Monday, March 26, 2012

Vivaldi - the original headbanger

In the fine tradition of Chuck Norris jokes, here comes Vivaldi - the original pimp and headbanger of classical music! Top 10 fun facts about Vivaldi! (see note #1)

1. Vivaldi was the original headbanger. Listen to "La Follia" at 6:30 and 7:30 marks. Vivaldi was the Dragonforce of 18th century music scene.


2. Vivaldi was called the Red Priest. That's because he bathed in the blood of the lesser composers he had slain and absorbed their power.

3. Vivaldi became a priest because he ran out of women to screw.

4. Vivaldi was so physically hardcore half the population of Vienna was destroyed by spontaneous orgasm when he got there. They had to import women from the hottest capitals of Europe to replace the lost female population and sate Vivaldi's appetites.

5. When Vivaldi died, monks gathered his belongings. They then scoured the Earth for his reincarnation, letting little children play with some random crap mixed in with one item belonging to Vivaldi. Only a little boy in Salzburg unerringly picked up Vivaldi's violin and immediately started headbanging.
AND HIS NAME WAS MOZART, BITCHES!

6. Bach gave all seven of his children Vivaldi as a middle name. That's how jealous he was.

7. "Four Seasons" is a misnomer. Because there is only one season. VIVALDI SEASON. (Thanks to Stefan for this one)

8. Vivaldi invented the electric mandolin 250 years earlier than everyone else thought possible; it's the only way he could take his music to the next level. It was powered by the power of his sheer will!

9. Recent re-discoveries of Vivaldi's work have finally been performed. It's called Bohemian Rhapsody.

10. Only Vivaldi could write a choir piece for an all-female choir with bass and tenor parts. FOR WOMEN. When people told Vivaldi it couldn't be done - he did it! He then impaled the unbelievers as a warning to the future generations not to doubt the power of Vivaldi!


Note #1: facts may not be facts at all