Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Horrible lessons from Harry Potter

As a consequence of watching Harry Potter while drunk, here are the horrible lessons I've learned about life from Harry Potter:
- Hogwarths (or however it's spelled) is worse than American education system, it tracks kids based not on grades but based on some stupid shitty hat. Guess what! If you're already kind of a dick, you'll get put into the House that's going to make you even more of a dick! And give you powers to be a superdick to everyone else!
- Let's teach love potions to asshole Aryan bullies. Ummmmmm, date rape drugs anyone? Oh wait, let's teach love potions to asshole Aryan TEENAGE bullies! Nothing bad could happen, right?
- "Dark Arts 101". That is all.
- It's totally OK to be a condescending dick to other students if they happen to belong to another House.
- Harry Potter teaches kids that fraternities/sororities are totally cool (vis-a-vis Houses)
- Oh yeah, let's teach spells about turning water into RUM to 11 year olds! Totally responsible adult supervision!
- For that matter combat magic. If Hogwarths is so fucking impregnable, then why the fuck do 11 year olds need to learn self-defense?
- "Once you got hold of your broom, I want you to mount it, and grip it tight, you don't want to be sliding off the end." A - ROFLMAO teaching 11 year olds to give handjobs. B - AWESOME FUCKING SAFETY INSTRUCTIONS THERE! How about a seatbelt or something?
- Your pet is a soulless construct whom you don't have to feed and that just comes when you call it. Sorry kids! Real pets aren't like Tamagochi!
- If you're a person who's been born with a talent for magic, it's totally OK to feel superior to everyone else and be an asshole about it. Hmmm, I can't for the life of me think why feeling superior based on one's birth is BAD!
- Do these kids actually learn anything else in school other than magic? Like anatomy, or math, or English, or what?

In conclusion. Muggles have nukes, satellites, anthrax, a lot of experience at killing each other, and there are 6.5 billion of us. You do not. Fuck. With. Us.